Frustration

These are the pics, as promised.

This one is the warning. Go ahead - at ur own risk.

Such a pathetic pose

This is the frustration in the examination hall

No thanks, I'm fine

This ones good.. I'm lovin it

This ones..ummm... When m willin to study.. but cannot.. that one

At times.. even this phase comes

No, i havent yet reached this one.. its way too sadistic for my taste

Original post :

I'm frustrated. Why can't I simply study?? It's been like 10 days since my prelims got over and I still haven't touched a book. I'm only good at making plans. That's it. But why do I have this trait? I mean, there are people dying there to study and they don't get time. And here I have plenty of time and i cannot study. What's wrong with me seriously........ And you know its not tht i dun wanna... its jss tht i simply cant... n there s definitely a diff betwn dont n cant... phew

What's wrong even with blogger... it uploaded only pics which were into the limit of 5 kb... It refused to upload all other pics... I downloaded many pics on "frustration" and will definitely upload em all once the server gets fine....

I understand the torture y'all going thru... just stop reading then... It's not me who is torturin you, its you= yourself thats torturin u......aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah... May my soul rest in peace !!! Amen...

Blogging and Bluffing

It resembles my bedroom. Umm, just replace those novels with medical books.

It actually wouldn't have been difficult to write 5 lines a day on a blog if I really tried enough. But guess, it would have gifted much more brain storms along with that. Whatever.

Well, It's actually just prelims. Finals will be there in Feb. Umm. And I feel I'm not much of studies types. It's like I study like crazy for a week or so, and when I say crazy -  I mean REAL crazy. I finish plenty of things in short time.

But then once I'm done with certain quota, I start relaxing - I mean REAL relaxing. Then after relaxing for a long time, that pressure again builds up, And I get back to the crazy phase. 

So It's like a complete on-off mechanism. No in between state. Do you feel the same? 

Off phase - A lot like this.

 (Did I mention, a lot like love is one of my fav movies? Anyway, that's irrelavent.)

This looks so much like me during those "on" phases.

Arrite. Exam is there after two days. Medicine paper -1. It includes Respiratory, cardiovascular, kidney, blood, infection, emergency and drugs. And I think I'm only done with few short notes of blood. And most of the cardiovascular short notes are left even for the first time. But I'll do it. Am not even tensed. Great. 

Drop in anything you like. Any random stuff. It's ok. I will understand.

Tada.

PS - Do you always spell check after finishing post? Cz I do. And I think these blog people should provide grammar check as well. You know, at times you get doubt. Actually many times. But anyway. I also wanted to write about few movies I watched (:P ya, even I remember my last post stating I'll study very much), few articles I came across, Few topics from a book that I read. Let's hope I remember em all to write once am back. Ok ok, final bye.

PS 2 - I'll have to stop posting so many pics. It consumes two-third of the time.

Diarrhoea, Antibiotics, Profession and Help

Oh, I'm suffering from diarrhoea. It has changed its consistency and become loose, watery. No, it's not 3 times or more per day, as per the definition, but come on, it's mine. I can call it whatever I want to. And the act was pitiful.  My bowel was screaming with gaseous distension and I actually was pulling my hair (somewhat gently), wanting badly for it to get over. What, you're feeling disgusted ? It's a natural phenomenon man. You're disgusting the nature. It'll curse you I bet. You too will get it someday and realise the pain.

I remember one more incident when I had increased frequency of you-know-what in past. One of my doctor friends suggested me to get an antibiotic course. Now most of the diarrhoea(s)  are self-limiting and require no treatment (except in kids), and also injudicious use of antibiotics leads to development of drug resistance, I refused to take any (I was idealistic then. Umm.. then?? :P). But today, even if cyanide was given telling it would cure the trouble, I would have happily consumed it. 

From this I realise that I'm gonna be a certified doctor in, let's say, 3 months. Oh, I forgot the internship. Okay, add up one more year. But I'm still not sure if this is what I really wanna do. I never thought that I would be a doctor. Even as a kid, I not even once said that I wanted to be a doctor. Even after getting into it, I've actually never enjoyed it. I don't think treating any patient would give me any more satisfaction than that I get after helping some real needy person. So even self-satisfaction seems a lame reason. Respect - Oh I don't want any one's respect just because I'm a doctor. And I actually doubt if people really respect doctors.  And it's been 4 and a half years. Isn't it more than enough to realise whether you like it or not?

It doesn't end here. There are more serious issues. As such, I actually don't have any particular interest. Given any damn subject, I know I can do it. I remember one aptitude test I took. I was called for the counselling with my parents after the test got over. It was a month before I got into medical. So the counsellor asked me what I wanted to do since it was the time for selecting a discipline for a college. And since I got a good score in my 12th grade, I was already pushed and told and appreciated by everyone about having potential of being a doctor. So I replied that I would choose a medical one. And he said that medical got 5th number on my should-be's career list and my traits were not suitable to become a doctor, so I shouldn't go for it.

How I took it as, you should not choose it because I can't do it. But today I realise that, it was not about whether I can or I can't. It's all about whether I want or I don't. So as I said before, I still don't have any particular interest in anything. I do like painting, craft, different new kind of art work available in market, I keep trying my hands on them. But for a profession, umm, nope. Had it been engineering or something, I would still have felt the same, NOTHING. And ya, I want good amount of money, peace, happiness, satisfaction, all these basic things in life. So help me get over my problem.

Ok, so all you have to do now is, answer the following questions.

1. Do you really enjoy what you're doing now?

2. Did you really opt for it or it somehow got opted and you're continuing it.

3. If you always knew what you wanted to do, how you knew it or what made you realise? 

4. What is the best option for me - to continue with this, or really re-consider changing a profession if at all I can find any?

5. What way I should start thinking? I'm not sure if everyone can understand this. (No, don't worry. I'm not leaving everything on you, I just need your honest and kind opinion.)

So all the kind and considerate ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure you can get 5 minutes out of your schedule to think over my problem and 5 more minutes to write the solution in the comment box. I'll surely be more than happy to see your opinions. 

Thank you,

Signing off.

P.S. yea there ain't any pictures, come on, this is a damn serious issue. I dun wanna make it entertaining.

Guys are weird - Some guys are not weird :)

It happened yesterday when I wrote about the art of communication, explanation and creating as per expectation. This is the article.

I've mentioned the help Mr. Simplified offered to me, my expectations regarding it and what he sent me in return, my irritation, his frustration.. blah blah.

But he has made up for that to me by sending the collage posted below. It's beautiful and I loved it. :) So here, I wana thank Mr. Simplified for the pain he has taken to create this and congratulate him for living upto the expectation. Bravo !!

Art is tricky

Art is tricky. I have got reasons for it.

As long as I remember, I've always had a problem with my hair dresser. I would ask him (yeah, that's 'him') for a particular hair-do which has been imagined for long by me. I would try to verbalise my dream-haircut as much as I can. And I think even he understands it, at least it seems so. But the final outcome is entirely different from what I must have thought. And that completely pisses me off. 

Before I got enough knowledge about hair-styling and all, I used to blame it on my hair. But later I realised, anything and everything is possible with any and every kinda hair. Since then my expectations have been raised from my hair dresser, and every time I end up getting a cut different from my imagination.

There was a time when I stopped imagining anything, and permitted my hairdresser to do anything he liked given it must be smart and different and I should be able to carry it. And that has been the best hairdo I've ever had so far. Well, no, I don't think my imaginary-hairdos were that bad. It could be a mis-communication.

Let me come to my tailor now. Umm.. Actually she's a dress-designer :P Ok. I've somewhat similar problem with her. I'm not much into salwar-kameez or that sort of 'costumes'. But for any social function, I've got to face her. 

Now firstly, I don't have any knowledge regarding the current fashion, or options available, or what suits me and what not when it comes to traditional wear. Secondly, I would still have specific things on my mind and I want that sort of 'costumes' to be made for me. So  now I would explain her that I want blah blah colour, blah blah pattern, blah blah neck, blah blah work on it, blah blah is a complete taboo, and some more blah blah blah. Then I would go back home, feel happy about the future-'costume', and imagine myself wearing it and.... 

But when the dress is materialised completely, it looks like a clown costume to me. I've cried and cried some more at my dress-designer's place, seeing the final outcome and feeling the cracks on my dream dress (ya cracks, I mean it). I've fought with my mother for taking me to a bad designer, I've blamed my sister for suggesting all nice things for her dresses and not helping me for mine. But then I have to accept it. I'm not good at it.

Same thing happened today. Mr. Simplified suggested to make changes regarding the background picture of my blog title. He said it was not stretched enough and didn't fit properly to the title. Yes, he was right. But then I didn't know how to do it. 

So he offered his help to me and asked me to send him pics I would like to keep as the background of the title. I sent him a pic of sandal and told that I didn't have any other picture, to which he replied that he would find others on his own according to my taste. Sweet.

So what I expected, that he would send, was sort of -

                        or like this

and what he sent was like this -

So I furiously (its so obvious, just see the difference once again) asked him what he exactly was doing and where the sandal was. 

So he sent me one new pic which included the sandal.

I got irritated (again obvious) and told him to stop whatever he was doing. And he replied that I couldn't appreciate anything. 

Oh Boy, What do I tell you?? 

So that's the reason I say, art is tricky. 

Be it art of communication, art of explanation, or art of creating as per expectations.

That was for me. I'm sure that your art of communication is super-duper great. So be kind and just drop in the comment. Have fun.

'You should have informed me'

That was her case presentation next day. In paediatrics.

It was a 16 years old girl who was her patient. Extracting details from the family members and the patient was quite a deal. Furthermore, the patient wouldn't let you examine her. She somehow managed to get the information and finished the examination.

She checked out the file. The findings were almost similar to what she had perceived. So she started thinking of differential diagnosis. She tried to consult residents - wards, opd, PICU, NICU, labour room, even hostels. No, they were not available. After that, she confronted a series of lectures and went back home, tired and prepared for her case.

Next morning, she went to the hospital early. The residents were taking round and she followed them to her patient. And guess what?? The Liver, which she mentioned as non palpable, was now palpable - upto 3 cm. She rechecked the file. The previous reports were same as hers. But the new examination by the senior resident mentioned palpable liver. And how can you justify a 3 cm enlarged liver as a non-palpable one?  She consulted residents NOW, and they told her to put differential diagnosis as completely different from what she had put. One resident even scolded for not consulting in advance, especially when the case was to be presented in front of the Head Of the Department. Oh, yeah.

She got worried. She wasn't prepared for this. Okay. So it was the time now. She asked patient to get ready so as to reach the presentation room in time. And there started a time for Cinderella to get ready. The patient's mother took almost 20 minutes just to comb her hair. Wow. Meanwhile, she continuously requested the sister to remove the pint from the patient since it was not needed. But the sister would attend the patient only after she was done with the previous one. And no, you can't remove it on your own, else, the sister would start accusing you in front of the whole damn department, and the whole damn patients, and their relatives in the ward.

Okay. Even this got done. Now our Cinderella felt giddiness, suddenly. Fine. Arrange for a wheelchair. She got it from the other ward. And the moment she started pushing it, the sister shouted, "Hey, hey, you. Wait there. How dare you do this? Who permitted you for this?" She was like, 'what??' Then the sister explained that it was for a 'masi' to push the wheelchair and a student cannot do that. Wow. So, where's this masi ?

She ran for a masi now. The time was already running out. She asked in all 3 wards, panicking. She finally found the masi n requested her to come with her for a while since it was the HOD's case. But she forgot, that was a MASI. The masi yelled back telling the job pressure she had and how busy she was and all. After a lot of begging, the masi was finally convinced to go with her. 

By this time, the patient was tired and sleepy. She convinced the patient and begged to stay just for a while with her. Okay. They came outside the ward. Now the lift, it wouldn't come up easily. That took about 5 minutes to get the patient from the first floor to the ground floor.

She was late. By the time she reached the hall with the patient and her relatives and the masi, The HOD had already left, angry and annoyed. And the co-students started shouting, 'where the hell have you been?', 'HOD was so damn angry', 'blah blah blah'.  

Now was the sorry session. She went to the HOD office and apologised. What? Noway, you can't argue there or explain anything. All you gotta say is 'I'm sorry'. To which she got back stuff like, 'That's what you have to learn. None of you follows schedule. You people disobey the rules. Moreover, you should have informed me about the lecture. Today's session is cancelled'. 'Right. Tell the resident that you're going to meet the HOD, and they'll screw you right there and you want us to inform you. Thanks for the honour.' she growled.

She took the patient back to the ward. The residents knew the story by now. She told them the real story and they argued back,"You should have informed us. Now who will bear the consequences?" and scolded the nurse for not supporting her. To which the nurse replied, "She should have informed me. I have to look after so many patients. Even the other sister... blah blah blah !!"

The nurse in turn scolded the masi for all the consequences, for what the masi came to her and said in a real desi style, "I would have hurried up things. I wasn't knowing it was so important. blah blah blah.. blah blah.. blah blah.... You should have informed me."

Aaaaaaaaaah !!!

Ya, right.

Spicy chocolate

She is a talkative, cute, lil 4 years old girl, with lots of curiosity, a beautiful smile, and unbelievable amount of narcissism.

That's my neighbourhood girl.

Her mom went out for some work, and she got upset. I was there, I didn't like to see her sad, staring out of the window, waiting for her mom. So I took up a conversation with her.

But no, she wasn't in a mood.

The only thing at that time, to turn her on, was to start praising her. Yeah, she is showing off characteristics of her gender right from this age. Anyway, so I asked her that since she was so beautiful, I would like to have some clicks with her. And I bet I saw that instant spark in her eyes.

She was ready. But she didn't smile. And the moment I started clicking, she was completely transformed from that lil upset kid to a terrific, charming and bright model. I smiled. I knew her.

The next step to continue talking was to keep praising her. So I started with things she liked. And with mention of each thing, she did "Oh, Yeah", with mouth wide opened in surprise and eyes very curious to find out my source of knowledge about her. 

One of the things, was her hairband, that had a stupid cat on it. So I said, "Look at this. It's so beautiful kitty. So sweet sweet, cute cute. Just like you." And she blushed and repeated, "Titty". I almost grinned. I said, "It's kitty, not titty". She tried to imitate me, "Titty". And I grinned this time. It was cute. Honest cute. And seeing my laughter with her "titty' blunder, she became enthu, and repeated it for several times. That was funny.

I asked her about her school, what she liked there and what she did there. She continued telling her things with the enthusiasm, "Now I'll get into senior std, then first, then second, then sixth, then tenth, then fifth." She was so much willing to study (Now I was surprised). I asked her if she forgot to mention 4th std. And she was so much embarrassed by her mistake, "Ohhhhhhh, ok fifth, then fourth, then tenth, then twelfth (we have a system here. 10 + 2 + college), and then I'll be in college and I'll become a doctor." 

I was taken aback, for two reasons. One, she knew that she had to study till 12th standard, which I didn't know as a kid for a long time. Second, she wanted to be a doctor. That's a complete crap, not just because I don't approve of it, but also because she's more into styling and art (ok, she enjoys studies too, but her dominant feature is "fashioning, styling, drawing, dance, etc" - I know most of the kids are like that, but then I personally don't want her to ruin her time in doing something that will deprive her from her other likings. And she can definitely take up something else. Medical studies asks for so much. Honest - Big prophesy, but then this is a sensitive issue for me), and now since I feel that I've got into a wrong profession (oh, by the way, I am on a way to become a doctor), I really get scared seeing someone "dreaming" about it (Yeah, she's just a kid, but then I told you, this is a very sensitive issue for me, honestly). 

I told her that there will be injections and medicines and all (ok, I tried to scare her, but her answer scared me off. phew !!). She said, "Yes, I'd love to give injection to all the people". And she was so happy about giving injection to people thing (As a kid, even I wanted to be a police officer, so that I can get all those, who were harassing me, into jail. Injecting people would be giving her the same feeling). I told her that I was studying it and I didn't like it. She wasn't interested. May be she remembered her funny pronunciation and started up with "titty, titty" again.

Ok, even I wasn't interested in talking about it. I let her lead the conversation. But alas ! She again came up with the same thing. She said, "When you'll get fracture (oh, she knows that term, wow), I'll give you a glucose bottle and injections". O hellow, I'll be your senior by then. She suddenly realised a big mistake she just committed, "Oh no, first I'll give you an injection and then glucose bottle (you insert catheter before starting a glucose pint)." Wow, this kid knows this (All the kids may be smart, or smarter than this. I'm just discussing my surprise element).

I gave up. It was too much of things I wouldn't want to discuss.I wanted to divert a topic now.

"What about eating something? Aren't you hungry? What about some chocolates?" I asked. "Oh no, it's so much calories in there", she replied. I didn't have a nerve to react because my forehead and eyebrows had enough exercise so far. I went in, and got some chocs. It was a dark chocolate. I asked her if she liked to have some. She said, "No, it's spicy." I told her that it's called bitter, not spicy. 

Her mom returned. And she ran to her. I got out and was staring at the road traffic. I took a bite of the dark chocolate.

I'm still not sure if that's a chocolate, or a psychological effect of she calling it spicy, or ~I wanna become a doctor~ part of the conversation, But it tasted spicy this time.

Hopeless blogger

"Yes", she was frustrated and sad, but she didn't submit herself. After all, she was a fighter.

"What yes?", he asked.

She didn't reply. She wanted to avoid the question.

"What does it mean?", he asked again.

"A positive word", she said arrogantly.

"But what for?", he clung to the topic.

"To start a new thing", she finally gave up.

"Starting a thing with 'yes'?" he was still confused, what exactly she was talking about.

"There's nothing wrong in it", she was frustrated enough. Each of his question was reminding her of the failure.

"Hellow?"

"Yes", she recollected herself.

"Are you ok?"

She knew he was confused but then it didn't matter. She wasn't in a mood to explain. "I understand. But you know, it's not that easy as it seems."

"What?" he was completely lost.

"Writing a post."

"Oh !" So it was about her post. "Fine. But what after yes?"

"I dunno", she sighed.

 He silenced. "But what's the problem?"

"Refer to the poem on the previous post. It's still the same problem", she avoided his glance.

"So what will you do now?", he was such a pest.

"Refer to the poem on the previous post. I'll keep it natural ~as n when n whatever comes~ formula", she wanted to finish this now.

"You mean you still plan to get onto reader's nerve?" he was shocked.

And she finally grinned.

Amphetamine time

~~                                     ~~

Yes, this post is starting with a blank line and it has a very very frustrating reason which I guess, everyone who writes a blog, would be knowing. It's a ~what happens on a first post syndrome~.

Yes, you get blank on what to write.

So, here, this first blank line indicates my current state of mind.

Why is it so difficult to initiate things ?

Why is it so difficult to start up with something what you actually WANT to do.

Why... ?? 

Yeah, you don't want to get out of the routine~monotonous life, or that is something new to you, or you're not confident enough because you haven't done that before, or simply because you're lazy. Well, excluding the latter probability, since I badly want to start this, I'm not sure what problem exactly I'm facing. Sigh !

And why amphetamine~time? Well, Amphetamine* increases your dopa level and gives you a terrific kick to do wonders. So here I need it to boost up my unexplored~funny or silly~happysad~stupidmature~blah blah~writing skills. Mentioning it instead of other well-known drugs is due to my partiality towards it. Few years back, my colleagues used to call me amphetamine~addict because of my high energy drive. :) 

Hundreds and millions of thoughts pass by in a single day. There are times when you badly want to sleep or you're dying to concentrate on some work, but these thoughts~conversations will kill you and won't let you do what you really want to. And when you finally give up and chase them, they just disappear in the air. That's a real tragedy.

Having thought of writing something, I came up with the blog. Wow, it's my blog, so where to start from. And what will it be about?? My mind had just been waiting for this question, and before I could do umm... it started competing with a google search machine and came up with hundreds of pages of topics !! Sigh sigh !!

Movies, politics, music, philosophy, psychology, technology, education, art, business, health, happiness, lifestyle, fashion, economy, ecology, family, finance, guns, government, money, nature, pollution, real estate, recreation, fun, sex, love, life, animals, birds, men, women,

abcdefg blah blah blah blah blah.....

Some themes were highly inflammable

Some weren't eligible to be ~my type~

Having seen me, some were mesmerized, some cried,

While others already had enough of hype.

Some ~ow maah gawd~ were beyond the reach of mine.

Others were like a stigma for me at a time.

So starting up with ~what naturally comes~ looked fine.

I'm so glad, this poem actually does rhyme.

In fact, I was going to write an ~article kinda stuff~ for my first post, but ended up writing a poem. And then when I was finally determined to write anything~everything, even at a cost of getting on reader's nerve, I came up with this post.

I'm just hoping I can do better (read~sensible) next time. 

It's The phoenix and her changes ~~

Phew ~

(*Amphetamine ~ This drug can be highly abusive and has severe side effects, its mention here is purely for fun. Do not opt for it without prescription, please)